Scars I Caused
by DanniDoodle19
Summary: I pounded on his chest crying for the first time in years. "Kill me." I sobbed, "kill me please, make it stop!" Horo looked at me with those midnight eyes and held me, telling me I was okay. If only he knew. HoroxRen, or HoroRen, slight RenxJeanne. Rated T for language and violence.
1. Chapter 1

**Scars**

I'd done this for ages now. I'd learned so very long ago what to do, and how. After all I'd done, to those people, how'd you expect me to act. I murdered them, I didn't even know them. Others did. I almost _enjoyed_ the feeling of it. Seeing the bright blood flow from the wounds I had inflicted on them. Listening to screams in the night. I loved it, I basked in the pain I gave them.

Then Yoh came.

'Don't kill them' he said. He tried so hard to help everyone. He thought I had changed, well, I had. I stopped killing people, stopped hurting as much as I could. I envied him. He was always so happy, he never had the chains on that still bind me to this very day.

I always wanted his strength, he claimed it came from the 'happiness' and 'calm'. So I tried to do so, to be happy and calm. Who knew that could dredge up other things? Like love, and _guilt_.

Yes, _guilt_. I fretted over the people I hurt. I felt _bad_ for the things I had done to those people. I tried so hard to forget their faces, but it was impossible to forget them begging for their lives. I remember Yoh would tell people that if you killed someone, your soul would be ruined forever. He never said that to me. Maybe he knew I was a lost cause.

So because of my _guilt, _things got very complected. I obsessed over it. I stopped fighting as well as I had before because those people were on my mind.

I was making myself a meal one day and accidently cut myself with a knife. I was worrying about the people I had hurt, and forgot all about them when I saw myself bleed. I was so busy seeing the crimson flow out of my body, and the pain was harsh, I forgot. All I focused on was pain.

So I found an out. Pain was a way to forget everything I ever did wrong to anyone. No one noticed anything was wrong. They, in fact, thought I was happier.

How wrong they were.

I thought that I could make all that guilt slowly bleed out of my body. I never did anything that would _kill_ me, I am no idiot. I did small cuts at first, then they got deeper and deeper every day. My sister went and got therapy after she moved out, and recommended it to me. Said 'it works wonders!' in that happy voice of hers. She of course had no clue about what I was doing, she thought that I was okay, just needed to get some emotions out. I really should've listened.

It started when I was twelve, almost thirteen. No one noticed, no one knew, and I was glad. I ended when I was twenty-one, twenty-one! I still had cut myself. No one knew, no one cared.

I would've died if it weren't for that ainu baka, HoroHoro, and sweet, lovely Jeanne. I owe them my sanity, and my life. I owe Jeanne a bit more because I broke her heart, well, crushed it more like, with my actions, and that Horo didn't help with it either. Not that I blame him.

Anyway, this is the story of me, Tao Ren, and how I changed my life.


	2. Chapter 2

I'll start when I was nineteen, since the past was all the same story, nothing really happened until then. I was already out of control with the pain, I did it almost every day. This is the day I realized I was, well, you_ could_ say _mentally unstable._ I prefer the term emotionally scarred, but...

Anyway, I was watching T.V. when it slapped me in the face. I say slap because I never thought what I was doing was that _bad, _I was also quite literally slapped, much to my displeasure.

* * *

The same show that we always saw was on. God how I hate Anna, and her God damn soap operas. They were always the same thing: Bob cheats on Sally, she swears revenge, Bob dies or comes back to her, they fall back in love.

"Do you think we _might _be able to watch a show that is slightly entertaining, or is it against the law?" I asked sourly. Everybody glanced at me with a look of _'you're so dead'. _Anna got up and threw the remote at an unprepared Yoh. Hana, his son, giggled uncontrollably as Yoh was hit in the head. He was six, and I honestly disapproved of his being conceived, Anna was _fourteen_ when he was born. I found out she and Yoh had slept together the night before we left to go to the Shaman Tournament.

How disgusting, I never want children.

Yoh scrambled for the remote and held it high in the air.

"Yes! Now we can be entertained!" He smiled and flipped through the channels, not even paying attention to what was on. Pirika snatched the remote from him and put in a random channel number, forcing us all to watch this documentary on emo kids or something. I sighed and covered my face. I was _so _bored. I was planning to get up and walk out of the room, but something caught my attention.

"_Yeah, once my friends saw how deep I was cutting, they got me help._"

"What?" I mumbled. I looked around the room and saw almost everyone, except Hana who looked confused, was on the verge on tears.

"How sad.." Chocolove commented.

"What's so sad about that?" I asked. I subconsciously dropped my hand down to my thigh, where _I_ myself cut.

"You idiot!" Horo said, "They were men-tuh-ly un-stah-ble, because of their parents, they cut themselves and almost died!" Yoh had tears coming down his face, he was always a little _too_ understanding.

"Well I wouldn't say they were mentally unstable." I muttered. I never thought of it like that. I wasn't _unstable_ was I?

"Would you cut yourself because of your parents?" Lyserg said

"Well-"

"I love my mommy and daddy lots and lots! I would never hurt myself because of them, unless I was protecting them from evil bad people!" Hana hugged his father.

"I love you too Hana" Yoh chucked

"I also love Tameo and Ryu, lots and lots!" He added. I mentally thanked Hana as I backed out of the room. I went to go to my room but, of course, was stopped by someone.

"hey, Ren, where 'ya going? Horo asked

"To my room to be _alone_" I snapped

"Well you seemed really uncomfortable about the conversation an-"

"Will you just shut up?!" I pushed past him, "You guys were being _rude_ about the situation they were in!"

"Ren I-"

"Did you ever think about why they cut themselves?"

"It said they were treated badly when they were kids." He looked at me with confused eyes.

"Yes, also, I can guarantee they just wanted to feel nothing, did you think about that?"

"No, Ren why are you so defensive about this?"

"Because I think you guys were- just leave me alone! I really don't care about it anyway, who cares if they bleed out and die?" Horo sucked in a sharp breath. "Well, are you going to move or n-" He slapped me across the face, hard, knocking me down and giving me a bloody nose, I cursed and stood up.

"Ren, they _are_ a big deal, anyone who does that is! A lot of people care if they bleed out and die, how can you be so heartless?" Horo looked at me with disappointment.

"Well I just don't care, now leave me alone!" This time I slammed him against the wall and walked into my room, locking the door behind me. I listened for his footsteps to go away before I slumped onto the ground putting my face into my hands. I never thought what I was doing was _bad, _I do that every day! It keeps those _voices _out of my head, it removes those pictures. Maybe what I was doing was not the best option, but I was not going to stop it! Unless they wanted me to really go crazy. I can't see any other way to make them go away.

The voice of a little girl screaming came into my head at that moment. I remember why I killed her too, she was in my way. She was lost, looking for her mother. She pulled on my shirt and was bawling 'please help me find my mom!' I walked into my bathroom and started the shower, reaching for the razor. She sounded just like that girl on T.V. Maybe, she could've been on T.V., but because of me, no one would ever know. I sliced my arm open, the sharp pain stinging. Then that little girls voice slowly faded away, just like she was in my blood. It washed down the drain until all I could feel was pain. Pain, was now something I couldn't live without. I went on with the shower, purposely not letting the wound close.

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**thanks for reading! New chappie soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up in bed, my arm still slightly stinging from yesterday, I got up and opened my door to come face to face with Horo.

"What do you want?" I asked him sharply.

"I was a little worried about how you didn't come back down last night." He admitted sheepishly.

"Mind your own business." I yawned, raising my arms to stretch, I felt my sleeve fall down and groaned when Horo saw the huge gash, his eyes widening.

"What happened to your arm?" He squeaked as he grabbed my arm to inspect it. "What happened?" He asked again.

"I dropped my razor, it's fine." I rolled my eyes.

"It looks really deep, I think you should go to the hospital."

"No you baka! It's fine!"

"You're going." He looked at me with stern eyes.

And so I was on my way to the hospital when I was okay. Why doesn't he ever listen? I sat in the back of the car, fuming over what he had done. When we got to the hospital, I reluctantly got out of the car and walked into the building. We sat in the waiting room _forever_ it seemed. I cursed him the whole time, for dragging me here when I didn't want to go, at all. I was about to leave (isn't it how all things go?) when I saw a familiar woman walk past. Horo's face flushed and I knew who it was

"Look, Its Jeanne!" I said, Horo gave me a small smirk

"Go talk to her."

"No," I leaned back in my chair. "She hates me, I know she does."

"No you don't go." I sighed as I stood up and walked to her. Her white hair was in a ponytail, and her eyes were as bright red as ever. She was talking with the secretary, a huge smile on her face. She was wearing a t-shirt that said 'X-Charity'. She must run it, as it was like X-Laws. Whatever. I tapped her on the shoulder.

"Who? Oh it's you Ren!" She gave me a big hug filling my nose with a familiar scent and proceeded to do this sort of bounce-in place-but-not-really thing. (I call it "The Jeanne Bounce") "I've really missed you! How've you been? I haven't seen you since the tournament " Her face flushed and mine did too as we both remembered the SK Tournament.

"Good, I guess."

"Why are you here?"

"Horo's overreacting and sent me here to get checked up." Concern covered her face.

"What happened?"

"I accidentally cut myself, its nothing really."

"Let me see it." I gave her my arm. She poked it and ran her long fingers up and down the cut that was already healing. She looked at it once more and let go.

"You're fine, just be more careful!" She smiled, "go home, we should catch up sometime!"

"Sure."

"Here's my number, don't lose it." She wrote it on a piece of paper and handed it to me, keeping her hands over mine. "We should go on a date or something,catch up! bye!" She let go and walked away. She has changed so much! What ever happened to the shy, almost melancholy Jeanne we all grew to love? I came back to Horo who was, to put it nicely, pissed off.

"What'd you talk about." He asked sourly. I looked at him with shock.

"Jealous?" I asked, He turned slightly in his chair "You have no right to act all put out, you told me to ask her how she was, I didn't even want to."

"Well she was looking at you like you were all godly and whatever dude, _not_ cool, you can be assured she doesn't hate you. Why'd you think she did? I thought you two were all like this." He twirled his fingers together. I looked at the floor.

"That is none of your business!" I felt my face heat up.

"You guys were! It really made everyone worry." He chuckled "They all thought you had gone crazy. I knew better though."

"Shut up! Besides, you can't say you know anything about me!"

"Don't be prideful"

"Don't be a- Lets go." I stood up and walked away. He got up and followed behind me. "I thought I might die if I wasn't checked on."

"Well I could hear you and Jeanne talk so I know you're okay."

"Why were you so worried about me anyways?" I _was _wondering. He thought for a second, way too long for my taste, before he said anything.

"I thought Jun would be...sad... if her little brother died." We climbed into the car and started toward the exit

"SO if you know so much about me what do you know?" I wanted to stop talking about my arm, and Jeanne.

"You're favorite colors are purple and gold, you have a slight fondness for blue, but you don't want anyone to know. You _have_ to drink three glasses of milk a day, every day, and it has to be in one of those glasses that your Mom sent otherwise you think it tastes different. You love to draw in your room and read fantasies. You have to polish your thunder sword every third wednesday. You like to look at the stars-"

"Okay, I get it I have a date so hurry up." Horo's face darkened

"fine"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I wasn't really going on a date. I wasn't even _going _to ask her on a date. I did however, have something to keep over Horo's head during the day, and that can cure any boredom. Of course I would have to have her come over sometime to keep my newly found pastime as fresh as it was. So, I knowing the type of person Jeanne is, called her up two days later, offering to go to the movies. The movies because you don't need to talk or touch, or really be social at all.

Horo overheard this conversation, and avoided me for three whole hours. Three hours of relaxation were taken advantage of and I even got most of my studies done. Though I knew he used to have a crush on her, even Horo doesn't normally act this immature about things like this.

"Hey, _Renny_" Horo shouted from downstairs,well what could be up his ass at this moment? "_Jeanne's _here" Ah, that explains everything.

"I'm coming!" I yelled. I ran downstairs and and turned the corner, almost falling on my face and earning a small laugh from a person at the door. Jeanne was looking at me, a huge smile on her face and she wasn't dressed nicely or anything like that. Thank God, I didn't want this to be a date at all. But why is she here? I was going to pick her up.

"Hi Ren!" She said happily.

"Hello Jeanne, you do know I was coming to pick you up, you didn't have to come here."

"I know, I just wanted to walk there. Shall we go?"

"Yes lets" Horo stiffened as I walked past him. "Bye HoroHoro."

"Bye" He muttered. We walked outside, the cool summer breeze washing over us. I looked up at the sky, it was still too light to see the stars. I sighed and kept walking, slowing down a bit to keep with Jeanne. We walked in an awkward silence, stiffly standing side by side, a sharp four inches apart. It looked like it was going to be a long night for both of us.

"So... what's up with Horo?" She eventually asked.

"I honestly don't know, could be anything really."

"Yeah, was he always that hostile?"

"Was he mean to you?" I asked sharply

"He was a little, I didn't do anything though."

"I promise the next time you come it will be a different story, sorry about him." Wow, Horo was mean, and to _Jeanne_. It takes a lot to get him angry, and to a woman... He is going to get it when I come back, he had _no_ reason to do that.

"It okay, not like it's your fault."

"I'm still very sorry, looks like we're here." I stopped at the theater gate and opened it for her, we waited forever it seemed when we were able to by the tickets. I didn't pay attention to what Jeanne chose and ended up in a chick flick.

"Oh Ren, I heard this got very high ratings!" She excitedly hung on my arm. Whispering very loudly.

"Yep"

"You don't wanna watch it do you?" I glanced over at her doing this pouty face thing. When did she ever do this?!

"I will, whatever you want, I'm just not a big movie person." She sat by my side thinking or something. Then she grabbed my hand loosely. I stopped myself from looking over at her. She tightened her grip and started to shift slowly towards me. The chair squeaked, probably annoying people everywhere. "What are you doing?" I finally whispered in her ear.

"Oh, the chairs her are _awfully_ uncomfortable! Do you mind if I lean on you a bit?" She smiled. I had a feeling I knew where this was going. I was a little scared, this was turning into exactly what I really did not want! This was not a date!. My inner gentleman kicked in and smiled down at her.

"I don't mind at all." GOD DAMMIT! She smiled at me and _laid _on me. This was not leaning! WOMEN!

"Hey Ren?"

"Yes?"

"I'm bored" I resisted the urge to scream. I just bought movie tickets, waited in line for hours, walked into a chick flick and earned an 'I'm bored.'

"Well then what do you want to do?"

"It's a secret." I looked at her and she motioned for me to lean closer. _Oh God. _She gonna make a move, I think. I won't want that! The man is supposed to make the move! But what if it isn't? I don't want to weird her out! I reluctantly leaned down. She grabbed my face and pressed her lips to mine. She leaned back and giggled. Red clearly was on her face and I felt mine heat up as well. Well, my "date" just turned into an actual date. I kicked myself mentally when I let her come back and claim my lips. I have to admit though, this was better than watching that god-awful movie. I went deeper into the kiss allowing her tongue to pass over mine, making us both shiver.

"I really missed you Ren" she whispered. That brought back memories from the SK Tournament. The small things we did, stole pecks under the shade of the forest, let he grasp my hand and dance with me. The one time when I was truly happy, was when I was with her. We rarely talked when we did these things, I barely knew anything about her. We bonded with silence. The few times she had heard me talk before was in the midst of battle. She only ever talked with the hard, hostile me, but she still somehow loved the silent, assuming me. Knowing both of my sides she still kissed me and helped my wounds. Then the last time I talked to her was when I had to hurt her. I knocked her down and defeated her in battle for what I thought was a greater cause. I never turned, but I knew that she was crying in the sand. She called out to me, her voice was angry, fresh with defeat. I was sure she hated me for it. I guess I was wrong.

"Lets go." We stood and left.

I never thought this night would go so well.

**Yay, I finally wrote it all! I got over my awful writers block! Yes cheer, cheer!**

**Please comment and follow and stuff! No extra mean stuff pweese!**

**I'll get to the next chappie soon as possible.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, this isn't an update, sorry :). I was wondering if you wanted me to re-write this story, same title just better writen things. I would really like input on this. I am soooo sorry for falling off the planet forever. Just put in the comments this stuff, and if you have any awesome ideas, that be great too! Thank you for putting up with my non-update update! **


	5. Chapter 5

**'Kay, my... six? Nevermind, to my six ( I think) people who followed this story, and to the person who is reading this thinking there may or may not be another chappie.**

**I have grown in my writing skills in the last bit. I never update this story and honestly I have writers block. I think I shall re-write this and see if it can't be more awesome. I'm not expecting it to blow up or anything, no one really reads Shaman King FanFictions anymore. *sigh* **

** I might change it up, I don't know but we'll see!**


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